Friday, April 3, 2009

Give Me the Dirt

Welcome to our friends from Melissa's Beautiful Life linky fest. Come and add your thoughts!

I'm going to be straight with you guys: this was a hard winter. It's been a hard Spring. Our area is famous for the widespread problem of SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder...basically, we go a little crazy without sunshine.) and if you add that to Baby Blues/postpartum depression and chronic lack of sleep it gets a little dicey around here. To be honest, I haven't felt this low since my hormonal high school days.

So let's lay it out. Ladies, why do we do this? Why do we get so HARD on ourselves? It's as if we don't use the brains God gave us. Let me show you.

A few facts about me:
1) I have a Bachelor's Degree in accounting from a very good school, and a minor in music.
2) I am a talented musician- I can play piano and organ quite well, and have 9 years of classical vocal instruction under my belt.
3) I am a darn good cook. Most people really like what I make.
4) I have a fabulous husband and 2 beautiful daughters, who all love me very much.
5) I was raised in a happy, healthy home.
6) I can't think of a single person that has ever said "I don't like you."
7) I have been blessed with extraordinary health. The sickest I've ever been...umm...well, I had a 24-hour flu last Spring. Other than that, I get a cold or two every year.
8) I take good care of my family, creating a healthy home environment for learning and nurturing, and plenty of healthy food from scratch.

So why do I go to bed feeling like a failure every night? Why do I look at everything through a lens of
  • "Oh, they don't really mean that."
  • "They wouldn't compliment me if they knew that I faked a few notes/lost my temper yesterday/haven't cleaned my shower in 6 months/have been overweight since I was 10."
  • "If I was REALLY ______, I wouldn't ______, so that compliment doesn't count."
Why can't I find the guts to just say "I'm a success" Why can't I look in the mirror and for once in my life say "Wow! I look great!"

Why don't we? Why WON'T we?

So let's try it. A new week is coming up. This is a safe forum. What is it that you can't forgive yourself for, and you won't let go of (even after the issue is solved.) Just say it, I promise you'll feel better (and yes, anonymous comments are allowed.)

And, back to those high school days for a point to ponder.

A little excerpt from Enos:
4 And my soul ahungered; and I bkneeled down before my Maker, and I ccried unto him in mighty dprayer and supplication for mine own soul; and all the day long did I cry unto him; yea, and when the night came I did still raise my voice high that it reached the heavens.
5 And there came a avoice unto me, saying: Enos, thy sins are bforgiven thee, and thou shalt be blessed.
6 And I, Enos, knew that God acould not lie; wherefore, my guilt was swept away.

The part that completely arrested my attention, reading this after studying on a late and dark night, was "God could not lie." So if He says he loves me, I can trust Him. Even when I can't see a speck of good in myself, or find a way to believe that anyone should have a reason to love me, if He says I'm doing well, I am. And sometimes, a thought like that can be a life line in the dark.


Teresa said...

I know, I know, we do it to ourselves all the time. I still have a hard time believing things about myself- My Hd tells me all the time how beautiful I'm and I'm thinking come on now, just look at all wrinkles, I look pretty worn. Society has done a number on women, and its hard to break free.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts.

Casey said...

You're amazing. And wonderful. And thoughtful. And inspiring. And kind. And beautiful. And clever. And more. :)

Good post. I tend to be hard on myself too. Especially in the housekeeping and fitness departments. I just have to remind myself that I can't do it all so I need to make sure that I like what I'm doing.

Aunt LoLo said...

I was going to put something anonymous up here, but the mortification of knowing you'd figure me out stopped me. ;-)

Let's see...what shall we let go of today?

I'm an untalented dork. I make things because I like to pretend that I'm domestic.

9 sales in my shop says I'm wrong. When people call me "creative" I try to say thank you instead of hearing "your stuff is weird."

Debbie said...

Why do you feel like a failure? What an accomplished woman you are! I was very impressed reading this list. Best two - the husband and the kids. The rest are great - but they can't compare in my book!

Franzine Kafka said...

failure? what? you meet all of your goals. i always thought that was great about you.

and the shower does not need cleaning very often. there's soap and water in there - it cleans itself.

Sam said...

And may I just say: You are fabulous! :)

Gina said...

Thanks for stopping by my blog-I've gotta say for me I'm continually reminded that it's not what DO that gives me worth-I can do good, be good and do nice things all day long, but really matters is knowing Jesus loves and accepts me no matter what. The good, bad and icky are all okay because he just loves ME. The more I try to DO the worse I usally feel, but when I let myself BE by spending time with HIM then things go so much better!

Anonymous said...

Beautiful post! It is so true that we are much to hard on ourselves. I need to remember that verse in Enos when I am having one of those down days.

RootsAndWingsCo said...

I'm OK with myself (at least at this moment) but where I am hardest on myself is my mothering. Truth be told it is the most important thing to me! So, I have awful Mommy Guilt...all the time! It's so easy to beat yourself up over things you don't do, or that you do wrong. But that's just forgetting all the million things we do, or don't do wrong! Thanks for the reminder, I think most of us are all in this boat together.